South West mum shares perinatal depression story after harrowing journey to help others feel less alone

After four months in the “newborn bubble” with her first child, Tiora Wall’s world crumbled. She was struggling to connect with her new daughter, Poppy, was overwhelmed when the baby couldn’t stop crying and felt isolated, stuck at home during a global pandemic. One day, Ms Wall felt as though she couldn’t take it anymore. She dropped her daughter at her sister’s home, and was planning to end her life. Instead, her sister sat in silence with her while she broke down. Ms Wall then spent 10 weeks in a mother-and-baby mental health unit, dealing with what she now knows was perinatal depression and anxiety. “I was feeling hopeless like no matter what I did, nothing was good enough, so I was actually going to go and commit suicide at that time,” she said. “My sister sat with me for probably two hours, just in the car in silence while I cried, and then I finally admitted to her that I didn’t want to be a mum anymore. I didn’t have a bond with Poppy. I was really struggling to look at her, hold her, breastfeed her.” Despite the harrowing experience, Ms Wall had a second baby two years later. She told the Times she felt equipped with new tools, resources and support networks. She was excited about a re-do with her second child, this time a son called Dallas. “I wanted the chance to re-do everything with a second child. I just, I craved for that instant connection... I wanted a chance to experience all the joy and the love and all of that,” Ms Wall said. But, again the newborn bubble burst after about five months and she found herself back in the mother-and-baby unit for two weeks. Ms Wall said the Busselton-based support service Radiance who again helped get her there, saved her life. “I wouldn’t be here today without them,” she said. “One of the facilitators at Radiance, before I went to the mother-and-baby unit, she pretty much saved my life. The day that we had Radiance, I had a plan to commit suicide, and this was the first time that I actually had a plan, and I wasn’t scared. I was really comfortable with my decision. “If you make a plan and you’re comfortable with it, you really need help because chances are people are going to go through with it. I spoke up to (the facilitator) and that was on a Thursday, and by the Monday, I was in the mother-and-baby unit. They quite literally saved my life. “I don’t even know how I got to Radiance that day because I was just so in my mind that this is what I want to do, I don’t care how anyone else feels, I don’t care if they’re going to hurt when I’m not here, it’s just going to end my pain.” Being wracked with guilt, ashamed to admit she wasn’t OK, and feeling like there was no support stopped Ms Wall from reaching out earlier. With Poppy now four years old and Dallas two years old, Ms Wall is working with Radiance to help other new parents know they’re not alone. “I was able to connect with other mums (at Radiance) that were feeling much the same, whereas before that I felt quite alone because you go to mother’s group and everyone would put on this face like they’re OK — I felt that I couldn’t truly tell anyone how I was feeling through mother’s group,” she said. “The key thing that I notice within myself and within a lot of mums is when they start to withdraw, so when they start to isolate themselves, that’s a really big key point to say ‘hey what’s going on’ — we need to intervene. “Don’t be afraid to ask for help, that’s a big one. Sometimes we’ve just got to swallow our pride and just ask for that help because the biggest thing is there is always going to be someone there for you, regardless of the organisation. “You’re always going to have bad days, regardless of where you are within your journey, and sometimes you just have to surrender to those days because the next day you just never know what it’s going to bring. “Even if you don’t have a lot of support within friends and families, we’ve got support like Radiance, you’ve got your child health nurses who will go above and beyond. You just really build that village so that you know that on those times where you are struggling, we’re going to pick you up, we’re going to be there, and we’re going to hold you and nurture you.” Perinatal Mental Health Week runs from November 17 to 23. * PANDA (national helpline Monday to Saturday): 1300 726 306 *Lifeline: 13 11 14